The Significant Otter took me out to see an outdoor play yesterday to see the Ylioppilasteatteri (University theatre) play Rakkaus ja Maailmanloppu (Love and the End of the World). It was fun, if occasionally a bit repetitive, ironic and… well, I enjoyed it. It’s been raining recently, so I was pleased to find the sun came out for the play, and the theatre provided blankets – the Mustikkamaa summer theatre is right at the sea, so it’s often windy out there. It was lovely to be out with just the two of us. I guess it could be called ”quality time”.
So as I was having my morning coffee in the kitchen today, I felt pretty awful for the fact I was unreasonably annoyed. The Otter recently put some posters up, and here’s where it all gets complicated. We’re both very stubborn and individualistic people, you see, so we’ve had to devise a system where we discuss home decoration first, and put things up only after we’re in agreement (mostly, I admit, that he’s in agreement with me. I’m a monster.). As I sat there in my our carefully colour planned kitchen, I was not so much annoyed by the fact he’d put them up without talking about it. I even glossed over the fact he’d put posters directly on the wall (as we previously agreed we’d use frames), or even the fact he used push pins, which I disapprove of because of the marks they leave on the wall. I didn’t even mind all that much I don’t particularly like those pictures.
But the colour.
The colour! I’m obsessive, I know. If I had my way, each room would have everything colour coordinated to two or three matching colours. In the kitchen, I decided (yes, me) we’d use the colours from the curtain I bought, and it gives a fairly large variety: blue-turquoise, pink, orange, cool red and cold greens. I thought it was a pretty sweet deal, including both my favourites and his. And the three pictures he put up. They don’t match. I know not everyone sees colours that vividly, or doesn’t pay attention to them like I do. But surely… I hope… anyone can see the mismatch between the two colour schemes below? The first one is with the approximate of the existing theme. The one of the right is the general theme from the pictures the Significant Otter put up. It drives me crazy!
I realise I’m probably totally in the wrong: I may be nit-pickety and obsessive and way over the line. But it really bothers me. It bothers me that it bothers me. I’m annoyed at being annoyed at some silly pictures. And I also realise that I’m the one doing most of the shopping regarding home deco – meaning I make decisions on my own – but in my defence, it’s futile to try to get the Otter to go with me as he hates shopping, browsing and choosing. I can’t blame him for that. Bought items can always be taken back … just as he/we can move the pictures, or I can… errr… well, there’s the rub. I don’t think I can get used to something that, to me, is an eyesore.
So the next things I know, I’m waaaaaay overboard, swimming in the deep end of my mind, and I’m making grand plans of taking everything that’s mine or my style and stuffing it into the studio room, and telling him he can decorate the rest as he sees fit. I will curl up in my pretty space amongst my treasures like the dragon I am! But I wouldn’t be happy. I have a terrible need to decorate my lair in a way that I see beautiful, otherwise I’m just uncomfortable. And if I can’t find comfort in my own home, I’m unhappy. And when I’m unhappy, boy oh boy. I’m unbearable. And, as I’m finally approaching the all-swallowing vortex, the thought follows that I’m unworthy of living together with someone else. And I twirl down to the bottom to drown in my feelings of self-loathing and worthlessness.
I feel terrible. Such dramatic thoughts over a few damn pictures.
And then! Just to crawl further down under a rock to pin me forever in the murk, I declare to the emptiness my trump card: I’ll rather drown than become a tyrant! I don’t want to make all the decisions. I just want… heh… that democratic decisions follow what I want.
I know. Just kill me now.