All my life, I’ve been running after change. It’s been the one thing driving me forward: getting from one place, one circumstance to another. I’ve always been looking for a way out, and geographically I did. I moved country a few times. Looking back, I was just standing still while the world kept rolling underneath my feet. Well, I’m running now.
On one hand, it’s all good: I’m finally going to graduate and… get on with life. It’s been on hold for ten years* and seems to be catching up with me. I’m dizzy and confused and I don’t know what I want. Everything was so simple, in theory:
1 Study animation
2 Get a job in Korea/Japan
Ah, those were the days! Now I’m having to deal with all kinds of grown-up things, such as trying to make room for another person in my life… It’s my first real relationship, and I’m over thirty already – which means I’ve had over 15 years of arranging my life to my schedule, my wants and my needs. It’s a learning process.
I’d tell you a story, but he would probably mind.
I’m seriously having to think about what’s realistic and what’s not; what kind of a job I want, can I handle being in a real job, am I going to give up on the idea of moving out of Finland, should I continue trying to make a career as an artist, can I afford to live in Helsinki, and so on, and on, and on and on? It’s true for travelling, warfare and life: they consist of long, boring periods of waiting around for something to happen, and short chaotic periods where everything attacks you all at once.
And now, I don’t have a good closing anecdote. I barely just got my medication right, and my life still rotates around trying to find a way to live with or heal from depression. I don’t know if I’m facing back or front, and I’m a little hazy on the difference between up and down, too.
I’m a little sad and a little weird tonight.
Thank you and sorry. I had to get that off my chest so I can go back to worrying what to wear for Elina & Toni’s wedding. I’m thinking a black bin liner and a paper bag for my face.
*Oh, let’s just not get into that now.