27
Apr
11

Undisputed Territory

Warning: Personal stuff

”We have normality. I repeat, we have normality. Anything you still can’t cope with is therefore your own problem.” (Douglas Adams)

It’s a strange feeling, normality. After two years of especially fatiguing times with my constant companion, The Terrible Depression, feeling neutral is a novel experience. Sure, I’ve had good days, too; either bordering on mania, or still with that black current underneath. I’ve had not-so depressive days, too, but they haven’t been neutral. Those are the days when I’ve felt nothing at all.

Recently I became aware of this new sensation of standing in the world all by myself. Mister Depression was not whispering in my shadow, and Miss Mania was out making trouble with someone else. Sure, this doesn’t mean I’m healed – a lifetime of darkbound thinking isn’t erased just like that – and it doesn’t even mean I won’t continue to have bad times, too, for the rest of my life. It feels like a breath of air so pure it hasn’t existed on this planet for thousands of years: exhilarating and completely alien at the same time.

I’m compensating by suffering from PMS as of yesterday. It makes me feel as miserable as ever, but at least I’m not convinced this is another sign that it’s pointless to try and get better.

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