Films and books which pull me in, the ones I strongly identify with, have the power to affect my mood rather strongly. Today I watched Bridge to Terabithia (2007) on Voddler, and I cried like a baby. I’m also left with a kind of a nostalgic longing for the world of my own… The film is more appropriate for kids and teens, I think, but since I know how it feels to be an outsider from everything and everyone you know, I sympathised strongly with the main characters. I thought this was a lovely film and well worth watching.
I strongly believe that everybody inhabits a world that is largely the product of their own minds; what you perceive as reality may differ in many ways even from the reality of the people living closest to you. Maybe you live in a gray concrete hell, while your neighbour is in a cool urban jungle; or possibly the birdsong that wakes you gently for a new day is a pack of flying, filthy pests to someone else. Our words, motivations, deeds, even body language or the clothes we wear symbolise different things to different people; even now, most of us feel superiority over someone else because of an arbitrary border drawn on a map and created in the minds of poets, artists and politicians*. These abstract denotations of self are a part of being a human being, and apply to all of us.
Personally, I like to try to take my world a little further apart from reality than that. For me, reality isn’t just lacking in things I want; it’s simply inadequate. I’d like it to contain more of the inexplicable, more magic, more dragons, more mysteries to be solved, more love. The longer I live, the less important things like having a career seem to me. Yes, I would love to have a job to love, because bills will need to get paid to the end of civilisation and I would rather enjoy the time at the mill than hate it… But honestly, it all seems like a waste of time. My chosen field, whether it’s in animation films or game industry or art, really just serves to maintain the status quo. It has no meaning. Even if I ended up making world-famous films, all I would produce would be material to further feed the consumerist culture.
I guess what I believe, and what I feel the world is lacking, is that there are no heroes. No one’s going to save the world, whether it needs saving or not. I would love to believe in change — that people of the Earth would realise that world peace is achievable, world hunger is feedable and so on — but honestly, I’ve come to think that it’s all going to be the same shit till the end of time. As long as there is power to be had or money to be gained at exploiting other people or the planet, nothing is going to change… And as much as I would like to, I can’t stop caring, either.
So I prefer to try to compensate for the inadequacies in reality by steering clear of it whenever I can. I try to build my own reality as beautiful and as peaceful as I can. It is true that I spend a lot of time just daydreaming, and that I spend too much money in pretty things, or tools to make pretty things. I invest too much time, it has been said, in trying to make my work reach perfection, but for me, it’s the only thing worth spending time on. Maybe it makes me an idiot. Maybe I’m refusing to grow up. Maybe I’ll end up lonely in the gutters.
But maybe, just maybe… Maybe I’m right.
*If you disagree, spend some time reading about the creation of the concept of a nation at around the French Revolution and the arrival of printing press to the Europe.